Battling the Forces of Darkness

...at a White House Press Briefing...

Journalist: Uhm, I'm having a hard time here... I'm struggling to see... before we get started, could someone change the light bulb or pull a blind?

Press Secretary Scott McClellan: The bulb has served us honorably and will continue to do so. Morever, by order of the Department of Homeland Security, all post-9/11 blinds shall remain firmly shut. Now, let me say, if anyone wants to paint a dark picture of this room or imply that the president is not in full command, they can maybe just ask themselves what Europe would look like today if President Roosevelt or Winston Churchill had been pessimistic. The president will never give comfort to the forces of darkness. Once a bulb is on board, we never change it. The president is resolute on this and always has been. Unlike his opponent, the president remains optimistic. The president is very firm, here. The president has been very clear.

Journalist: But... I can hardly see my notes...

Scott McClellan: As I said, the bulb is fine, and the president is very clear. So, if you want to denigrate the bulb for its service, that's your prerogative, but, as I said, the president's message is clear. And, I might remind you, this particular bulb had already dimmed considerably in the previous administration (pointing outward to the seated journalists). The president inherited a good deal of dimness... next!

Journalist: Uh, me?...

Scott McClellan: ...Whoever's sitting directly in front of me. Go ahead.

Journalist: Well, I think, uh, I, too... if I could just locate my recorder. Excuse me, does anyone have a pen light?

Scott McClellan: (impatiently) Listen, I don't know what the problem is here. The President has been very clear. It was never a question of there being perfect lighting in this room or any other. The president never said that. Could things be brighter? Yes, of course. Is the President working hard everyday for the American people? Of course he is. The President has never wavered. He wakes up everyday thinking about brightness and light. And, you know as well as I do, American-made light bulbs are the envy of the world. Now, that's my final word. The answer to any other questions today is that the President has been very resolute and very clear. Thank you.

Inspired by contributor to The Chicago Tribune as culled at the Blog of the Attorney General of the United States.